Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
