your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
