Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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