By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
foreskin is a definite game changer
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
