Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
