I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
