Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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