He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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