i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
