Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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