i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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