he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
