Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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