when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
