Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
