the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
