just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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