You don't have asthma, your pregnant
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
