Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
