I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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