Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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