We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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