Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
