Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
