I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
