I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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