I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
