jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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