Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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