Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
