No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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