Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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