Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
false alarm, still single
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
