Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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