The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
