You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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