3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
