Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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