so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
