in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
