i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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