I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
