Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
