How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
