You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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