I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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