census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
