I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
third nipple confirmed
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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