my phone needs a breathalizer
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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