Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
